It is 2am where I am right now, and I should be sleeping. But my mind is in a flurry because after years of procrastination, I have finally decided to venture onto Medium.
I am not sure what direction am I going to have on this platform or if I am even doing it “right”. The fact that they have recently removed the writing function on the app baffled me so much I was nearly put off the whole idea entirely.
But I think I need to take the first step, somewhere and somehow.
For years, I have been writing on Instagram Stories (yes, I know, go ahead and roll your eyes). I liked the privacy as my Instagram is private and I only added people I know personally. The thought of having my words out there on the Internet was a little too intimidating.
The thing about sharing with a restricted group of people you know is that the social issues, politics, world affairs that you so passionately vomited out on the Insta Stories, may not even concern half of them as much as they did for you. Not many would also come forward to share their opinions or point-of-view as well, for I suppose, various reasons.
Therefore, over the years, my dissatisfaction with the platform grew. Late last year, in the second year mark of the pandemic, I finally decided to venture out of Instagram to share things at a slightly more public platform — Discord. I created a server, forced a few friends of mine who already have accounts to join, and tried to include a variety of topics that I wanted to share with others using various channels — current affairs / general knowledge, science & mother nature, social topics, (things) to ponder, cat memes, funny & cute stuff, animes, movies, games, and the list goes on. Once again, as misguided and stubborn as I can be, I shared on Insta Stories in hopes to encourage some other friends to join me there… to no avail.
For a while I shared the invitation to my server on my Instagram (IG) bio, on Twitch (where I was experimenting as well), and… after a while, my insecurities crept in and I removed everything. The server had became in essence, private. I posted everything I would have usually shared on IG in the specific channels, and as supportive as some friends have been, it was still mostly a one-sided communication. Alas, the frustration grew again.
I started to oscillate between Discord and IG, and as I hear more about the upcoming IG “masterplan”, I knew I had to find an alternative eventually. IG will always be my private space for my photographs and memories, but my writing — my thoughts, my desire to express, to improve and to share — needs an outlet!
The next platform I tried was the Telegram. I started a channel, which I decided was too one-way, so I started a group chat instead. Named it hiddle circle, because I found this other word “hiddled” (that was coined by an author) to be really meaningful. Hiddle itself means “to hide; conceal”, “to nestle closely; take shelter”. Whereas the coined term, hiddled, means, “The loneliness and isolation felt when you’re unable to express an emotion, feeling, or secret to others — due to circumstance, trauma, or fear that your feelings will be a burden to the people you love”. I wanted that Tele group chat to be a place where people feel safe to share and build a community discussing topics like, self-awareness, spirituality, Buddhism, Stoicism, love, relationships, and more. Topics that I am passionately looking to learn more and gain wisdom from others. It did not work out as well as I wanted it to, once again.
My mind continued to go into an overdrive as I struggled to express myself and have reciprocation from others. That led me to now. Writing this first post on Medium, not knowing if this is it. Not knowing if this is going to be yet another futile attempt.
No matter the outcome, I will continue to live by what I have always told myself — that I will always try so I can live a life of no regrets.
