I am sure we have all had experience with dealing with people who refuse to change, even with feedback given to them or their behaviours pushing everyone away. In the past I had personally attributed that refusal to change as just a stubbornness or lack of maturity — you know growing old does not mean getting more mature.
However, recently I heard of this theory that it may be due to “sunk cost fallacy”. That same thing stopping people from getting out of stale long-term relationships or jobs. It also might be the reason for people to double-down on being exactly who they are — so that they don’t ever have to admit that they have lived their lives “terribly” for most part of it. That could definitely also tie back to maturity and stubbornness, but it also adds on another layer to the reason(s) why some people just cannot change regardless of what repercussions they might face because of their behaviours and character traits.
Narcissism might also be part of it — this “shame-based fear of being ordinary” or “like everyone else”. Thus, they would rather remain the way they are, despite being disliked or shunned.
“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”
We might also have to consider the fact that they have no awareness of their abrasive attitudes or unkind language / gestures / actions. Perhaps nobody around them had ever cared enough to point it out, or they are just too afraid to do so. Without awareness or self reflections, how could there be growth?
Honestly, understanding all that should somewhat allow me greater empathy (?) toward people like that, yet, I think I would need practice to be able to achieve that level of compassion. Especially when I have bore the brunt of the behaviours from that sort of character in my life consistently since young, in different stages of my life, from various persons.
People might also say, why do they need empathy anyway? Perhaps not having character growth in one’s lifetime might be such a waste to some of us, it might not be the same for the rest. Therefore, our empathy to their supposed lack of “quality of life” or “meaning in life” might very well be misplaced.
In any case, understanding the “whys” does not excuse or justify anyone’s mistreatment of others. I think it mainly helps us to “let go” and perhaps, forgive their trespasses — knowing that it is and never was about us. It’s always been their inner demons lashing out at innocent bystanders or passer-by.
