Came across a TikTok video a while back, in which the creator talked about “perspective gap”. How we should not discount how someone feels about a situation, even if we would probably not feel the same way if it happened to us. I think we are all guilty of that, at least I know I am. As much as I try to empathise and stand in other people’s shoes, there are times when my first thought would be, “Why does he/she feel or react that way? It’s not that big of a deal, isn’t it?”
Again, prefacing this with, there will always be exceptions. I am referring to unfortunate, terrible, life-changing things that happen to people. Yet, when people see those few descriptive words, they might have different understanding for them. For some, losing their pets would be life-altering, heart-breaking; similar to how some other people would feel when they lose their child/children. Yet, not everyone feels the same way about the same exact circumstances. Or some people can walk away from losing a long-term relationship with immense strength and the ability to move on with grace. Whereas, there are some of us who struggle with losses, big and small, for a long time.
The other day at work, we had a conversation about the difference between empathy and compassion. My understanding is, I still don’t know if it’s even remotely accurate, that compassion is love for everyone “regardless of” (i.e. situation, circumstances, etc), and empathy is understanding someone’s pain “because of” (i.e. what they have gone through). And because of that, empathy will always have a gap. Because our perception will always be different. No two people will ever feel empathy for someone in a situation the same way, even if they were twins. Nature and nurture (biology and environment) basically ensure everyone’s individuality and uniqueness.
Therefore, if we want to be minimally kind people, or we are trying to be compassionate people, we need to be fully aware of that gap. To be aware of the conditioning we have been exposed to since childhood, the conditioning we have been doing to ourselves since we learned how to read or watch shows (i.e. confirmation bias), and how all of that means that we will never be able to fully step into another person’s shoes and understand how it feels to be them. How much it hurts, how much it angers them, why do they feel or react that way, and what kind of trauma have they gone through.
This is not to say we need to blindly empathise (read above about exceptions), or to be less discerning. It is more to ask for us to pause and take stock more when it comes to other people’s suffering or pain points. Be kind with our reactions to them, and to choose our words wisely.
Many years ago, I was fresh out of an almost eight-year long relationship. My ex-husband and I were going through separation. I had never experienced a loss of that intensity in my life. Granted I had experienced some other trauma prior to that, but this is unknown territory for me. I had lost a partner whom I had spent almost eight years of my life and thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I did not just lose him. He wasn’t just a partner, he was my friend and family. With that, I lost my future too, at least the one I envisioned. I had to adjust to living alone as well, which was something I had never done before in my entire life (back then). It felt like the rug (or life) was pulled out from under my feet and I was on the ground by myself. Unable to stand and come to grips with what just happened. I am not from a privileged background, so I had to continue heading to work daily like nothing happened. I could not grieve on my terms. Neither could I afford to.
Admittedly, I was a changed person for many months. I lost my smile, my drive and everything was purely on survival mode for me. But I tried my very best to remain professional at work and to be present when I am working. I just could not joke or laugh around as much as before, like my life was all fine and dandy. Thankfully, I had many, many kind and empathetic people around me. Who love and care for me even up till this day. Who gave me space, kindness (loads and loads of it), and patience.
Unfortunately, that was also one of the many times I experienced the full force of a perspective gap being swung at me. A person sat me down to express their discomfort of me being glum and not the same person I was before. That it was, not the exact words but my understanding, an eyesore to see me that way? And I was asked how long was I going to take to stop feeling sad and behaving that way. That… made me retreat even further into my grief. That affirmed my belief back then, that I was being an absolute burden to everyone around me. And that everyone is sick and tired of me and my grief. And that there was this unspoken expectation on me to get over it. Yet, if my memory did not fail me, it was barely four months after he moved out.
I started avoiding my grief, and to stop talking about it as much. Unless people asked. I stopped facing up to it for almost a year. That delayed my healing and extended my pain unnecessarily. I did not dare ask if anyone else felt the same way about me, and was afraid that I was indeed being annoying to people around me with this huge cloud of sadness hanging over me. Thankfully, my friends showed me kindness through their actions and silently stood by me. They may not know what I was thinking about or how I felt, but they were there in their own ways. Non-judgemental, always kind, and so loving. They might not have understood my pain, but at least they empathised. That helped me tremendously as I worked on myself and on my emotions, and to stop wallowing in self-pity as well.
That is why I decided to write this after I saw that video. To remind myself (most importantly) and others who might come across this, to always be mindful and aware of the perspective gap. That even if you do not understand another person’s pain, does not mean it is not painful at all. In this world we are living in right now, I think we all need a lot more of that — compassion, empathy, patience or everything we can to extend kindness to people around us.
