A friend sent me an article about Relationship Anarchy a while back. I’ve been thinking about it. Because at this stage in my life, I do agree with most of the points it has brought up.
I am going to try my best to summarise it in my own words, as much as possible — Relationship anarchy is an approach people may choose to adopt regarding, well, relationships. It rejects any societal or cultural rules and expectations other than the agreement between people who are involved in it. They rely instead on their core values and alignment of those values to build a relationship instead of falling back on social norms. So no labels necessary, if you don’t need it. Communication and alignment are crucial.
According to the article, the term is originally coined by Andie Nordgren, and he published a manifesto for it as well. The principles listed in the manifesto are as follows:
- Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
- Love and respect instead of entitlement
- Find your core set of relationship values
- Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
- Build for the lovely unexpected
- Fake it till you make it
- Trust is better
- Change through communication
- Customise your commitments
Basically, love is not a limited resource. We have capacity to love many. Which if you refer to Buddhism, can be compassionate love / loving kindness. Love for all and oneself. But I digress.
Love also does not mean we have a right over another person. Everyone retains their autonomy. Figure out how to engage each other without overstepping boundaries or compromising personal beliefs. Learn to work together to keep our integrity intact. Be aware of societal assumptions and narratives on what is “real love” or what they perceive as the “correct, moral or acceptable way” to organise relationships. Don’t blindly adhere to labels and roles or structures set by society or cultures — question and break free. Resist the pushbacks. Challenge the norms. Trust and communicate honestly, openly, continuously. Change through the constant communication as well. Adjust as we go along. And customise our relationships according to an alignment to what we want or what are our values.
Personally, I absolutely agree that as long as no harm is done (always the caveat), and we do not hurt anyone in the process, we should all be free to choose what works best for ourselves and not be judged or vilified for it. And that all relationships only concern the parties involved, no one else should be able to judge or comment on how the parties want their relationships to be structured.
I understand this topic has layers to it, and it affects different groups of people very differently. But my point to this is to look at it from a general, overall, point of view — that all of us, in our various groups and circles, have certain sets of rules and expectations regarding how we “should” structure our relationships, what with all the labels and stages in place. Those are all merely social constructs. Man-made beliefs or perceptions. Mindsets passed down generations after generations. It does not necessarily mean it will always work, or that it is the best for human beings because it’s been “working” for centuries (what constitutes as working is very subjective, isn’t it?).
We need to decide for ourselves, engage each other, talk it out… think critically as well if what society tells us to do is the best thing for us. Also look into history as to why those social constructs were created? Who was it beneficial for (historically, systems are set in place to benefit a particular group of people)? Are we just blindly, robotically, following just because? And are these social constructs biased against or toward any particular group(s) of people?
Social constructs should never be used as benchmarks for us to adhere to, without thinking at all. We need to dig deep and ponder over what we truly want and what’s best for us.
