People who have known me for a long time would know that I had what the above tweet would define as “Moral Perfectionism”. I never quite knew the right description to this problem until I saw this tweet, and it was perfect. I had suffered from this enormous amount of guilt and endless rumination of my “wrongdoings” from since I was young.
Perhaps it stemmed from my childhood traumas, or me wanting to be the “good girl” that everyone likes and doesn’t get into trouble. Maybe it’s from seeing how other people’s actions had resulted in other people’s pain. Maybe I was constantly blamed for things that were not my doing. So for a long time, I held onto this excessive, needless, over-the-top expectations on my morals and on others’ as well. I remember I struggled really hard for the past few years when I saw and encountered people around me who held different “standards” as me as I could not fathom why it was okay for them. Someone pointed out to me that my moral standards aren’t the universal standards, and I kinda understood that, yet I held onto mine steadfastly.
I never could have seen this coming — that my views and the incessant need for me to maintain a moral “clean slate” would adjust and transform to be more pliable. That I would become forgiving to myself, and finally understood and accepted that there is no need for me to clench onto a moral “clean slate”, because it is something that I had made up for myself. I had also unknowingly realised that if I don’t let go and start to live life with abandonment, I am wasting my life. I am wasting the limited time I have here, in this meat sack, playing by my own unreasonable rules. And for what? Who’s giving me a medal for being a prissy, uptight, “good girl”?
The moment I realised that my mind had flipped the switch unknowingly over the past few months, I felt this sense of relief and carefreeness. Like I am finally starting to live life. I have been more kind with myself, extra forgiving and feeling lighter. Lightest I’ve ever felt in my heart for years.
All that is because I had stopped judging myself for leaning into things that I would have previously frowned upon. For being more generous in my heart, in terms of understanding my views had been so narrow and limited, it was quite pitiful.
I rather much enjoy this new version of me a lot more than who I was before. And I hope I will continue to learn and grow as I experience life to the fullest. :)
