This particular “The Hollywood Reporter’s Comedy Actors Roundtable” is, in my opinion, one of the best ones this year. The conversation they had didn’t just show us who they are in their profession and as a person, but how much we can relate to the same human experiences.
In particular the topic on “Likeability is a jail”. Kudos to them asking the right questions too. It’s nothing new that we all know people change as they grow. Nobody is the same person as they were years, months or even days ago. This does not just apply to people we want to “turn over a new leaf”, but even people who are generally okay or well-liked. Like what Mo Amer said in the video, it’s simply not sustainable — whether to maintain your “likeability” or who you are as a person.
I think that is why when people pleasing stops or when a “nice” person missteps, even just a little, they get the most heat and the harshest beating down by a lot of people; people who have created the most unrealistic expectations of them being “faultless” or “perfect” — holding them accountable to their own expectations.
Chronic people pleasers do it for a myriad of reasons — low self esteem, the need to fit in or to be accepted, or some may do it to manipulate others (whether consciously or unconsciously). Those who do with the conscious intent of manipulating other people’s feelings toward them may do it for career progression, to secure a date’s feeling of affection, for societal progression, or anything that they stand to benefit from. It’s a grey area because the nice gestures are to secure people’s affection or preference toward you, without giving them the genuine choice in meeting the real you. In relationships, the masks may drop eventually. Whereas at work or in social circles, it will be a long draining years of masking ahead, until one decides he or she is in a secure position to drop the “act”. Sometimes that results in them being so bitter having to people please for such a long time they become the worst person to be around with.
Most people would say, “that’s not people pleasing, that’s survival in this society”. However I would then ask, why can’t we be genuinely nice to the extent we can afford, and trust that we can be likeable without overextending our boundaries? We do see a lot of examples of people who are genuine, firm, and yet successful — be it in their career, family or social circles. We don’t see them grovelling or people pleasing by bending backwards till they are unrecognisable anymore. Moderation is the key. And isn’t it even more worthwhile when we are accepted as who we are by people we love?
Of course, there are also people who are genuinely nicer than most people in society, so their niceness exudes genuine warmth and people gravitate to them. I know we would want to strive to become someone like that, because it’s so comfortable being in their presence. But to fake niceness in order to become like that is perhaps not the best way to work on ourselves, isn’t it? We could possibly work on being nicer day by day, practising compassion or empathy (internally, not performatively) more and more over a long period of time, pushing our own boundaries NOT to be liked, but to be a better person for ourselves.
For example, maybe we are not as compassionate as we want to toward an issue or group of people in society, then we can read more about it. Get closer and understand it or them better. A lot of times, lack of compassion is a lack of understanding or empathy. Like a lot of people’s prejudice toward foreign construction workers or cleaners. Someone once shared with me that by working with them directly over a span of a few years due to his job, he’s come to realise they are the nicest bunch of people who cares about others, and are always willing to extend a helping hand to those in need even those they know look down on them.
Of course all these also boil down to a person’s level of kindness, which I am unsure if it can be built up like niceness. There’s this saying I’ve seen which posits that a person can be nice all the time but genuinely unkind, and a kind person can be nice most of the time, but when it’s time to be not nice to be kind, they will also do it. The former will be those who fall under the group in the previous paragraphs on people pleasers who are seeking to manipulate their likeability.
There’s also a conversation on how people pleasers are emotionally untrustworthy, because people around them cannot figure out their genuine feelings toward things. It makes people wonder if they truly mean what they say or do, and they question their “yes” or nice gestures a lot more than people who set healthy boundaries. Over time, this might even backfire on their agenda to people please — that is to be liked and accepted. Without trust, how can there be deeper connections? If we seek authenticity and lifelong connections, we need to allow people to see us as who we are instead of curating the best image based on what we think they want to see, which ends up being so disingenuous.
Such tendency also leads to the endless pressure on our mental and emotional health, because we can never control other people’s feelings toward us. The unhealthy desire to be liked can become hypervigilance on other people’s feelings, tones or reactions toward us. That can lead to feeling like we are responsible for how they perceive or feel about us, which is absolutely illogical. Other people’s feelings or perception of us is based on their own past experiences, emotions and formed perceptions, regardless of who we are or how we have presented to them. Just as it is the same for OUR perception of others around us. They don’t control how we feel toward them. Sometimes it’s a projection too, of our own mental struggles, qualities within ourselves that we dislike and see on them, and other personal choices that we make regarding how we see others. This is IF we or they have not done anything unkind towards them or us in the first place.
Sometimes we have to take a step back in life and reflect on our growth as a person as a check-in so we can calibrate our paths if necessary. These are topics I have been reading or watching for the past few months, which are all intertwined, thus, I have decided to summarise them into this piece as a food for thought. :)
