Came across a video in which a girl shared her worst date, and the scenario really hit close to home for me. Some context to her sharing:
- the guy was her friend for a few years prior
- he asked her out
- he knew what she looked like the whole the time
During the dinner, out of nowhere he started laughing and pointing at her. She couldn’t understand why, and when he finally stopped laughing, he told her she was hideous and reminded him of clowns. And that she should consider being a comedian. There were a lot of people around them because it was Valentine’s Day, so they overheard their conversation. She felt so embarrassed and self conscious she left the dinner immediately.
Afterward, he messaged her to apologise and tried explaining to her why he did that. His reason was that he was advised to break her heart and confidence first so she would never cheat on him and would stay with him no matter what happens.
The good thing is, she had enough self love to walk away and to not respond to him at all after that. However, how many girls or women actually fall prey to such tactic used by certain men and end up destroying their entire self and soul? (I know, the same can happen to men too)
This scenario is an example that was very obvious, because the guy didn’t do it insidiously, but outrightly to her face. The experiences we tend to hear about or experience it ourselves, are however, less obvious most of the time.
The guy would probably be extremely sweet at first, maybe love bombs the target. Get their target to fall hook, line and sinker to them being the nicest, most loving person. And then, the gaslighting starts and gets progressively worse if the target doesn’t leave. Because I guess it shows the guy that it works, and / or it strokes his ego as well. Maybe it’s also part of their narcissistic abuse.
A lot of times their gaslighting is dressed up as their “best intentions” or “for your own good”. Here are some things I have heard from past partners or “situationships” who were prolific gaslighters:
- “Don’t smile at me. You’re not pretty when you smile” — I was 17 years old, and he was 18 years old. He got jealous and angry easily when his friends would talk to me.
- Grabs my tummy during intimate setting, “maybe you should work harder on this”, “been eating more recently?”, “this needs to be flatter”, “good job (when it’s flatter)” — all from the same person; this was in my adulthood
- Looks at certain anatomy on me, “yea… it’s not the [biggest/best/etc] I’ve ever had, but okay. Acceptable”
- “My ex was [so hot / intelligent / fashionable / etc], I need a partner just like that. Nobody comes close to her.”
- While bringing up what the gaslighter said (i.e. above), the responses are usually, “It’s just a joke, you can’t take a joke? I thought you are cooler than that”, “I’m sorry you feel that way / interpret that way, but that’s not what I said”, “I don’t remember it being this way”, “I don’t remember saying that”, “Your account of what happened is different from mine”, “the intention of what I said or did is from a good place, so if you choose to feel bad about it that’s on you, not me”, and it goes on…
Unfortunately, it took me a lot of healing after getting out of my last toxic situation to look back and realise what was done to me. And how much that prolonged period of gaslighting and getting put down constantly did to my confidence, self-esteem and basically my very soul. I was so broken down I stayed in that situation believing I needed to be better, to work harder and to prove myself worthy of that person’s love. Of course, I never got it. Because they never cared about the destruction they were causing on me, and were just enjoying the pedestal they were put on by the desperate bids thrown their way by a person they knew was actually out of their league. :) Yes, gaslighters gaslight people they think / feel they are “not capable” of keeping, because they think / feel that they are not good enough. It comes from a place of major insecurity. Surprise?
They knew they had/have to break down their partner / target in order to feel safe in the knowledge that whatever it is they think they are lacking in themselves, will never be discovered. It was/is a sad reflection of their own lack of confidence in keeping someone’s love and admiration for them. Just like the guy in the sharing above.
It does not excuse their actions or behaviours, of course. I just want people who have experienced being gaslit or are currently experiencing it, to realise it was/is never about you or your worthiness. Get out, run. Save yourself and your soul. That person who’s doing it to you? They are not it. This is not normal. There are healthy, confident and secure people out there who can love you the way you deserve. You deserve better.
