Emotions ≠ Weakness
Let’s throw it out here — showing or having emotions is not a sign of weakness. It never was. It is merely part of being human. Yet, because of centuries of toxic masculinity and misogyny, both men and women have this ingrained warped idea that emotions belong to the “weaker sex” and that “boys don’t cry”, “men just aren’t naturally predisposed to being emotional” or “men are just wired to be purely logical”.
Men were taught to be that way — for survival and for power. This has nothing to do with being at peace with your emotions or learning how to cope with them. This has everything to do with not facing up to any type of emotions (maybe except anger or jealousy — big, reactive emotions that were somehow excluded as being emotional by men for ages; food for thought?), compartmentalising them, and being unable to open themselves up to emotional intimacy (not just with men, but with women as well).
Boys have always been told to “man up”, “be brave” and to stick to boys’ toys or symbols. Boys cannot cry. Cannot throw or run “like a girl”. That boys are stronger so they need to protect girls. Or that boys must take care of the family when their dads are not around. Be the man of the house. All these only perpetuate so many misogynistic ideas — that girls/women are weaker, men must be strong and macho, and men must be the head of the home instead of it being a partnership with their significant others.
And when most men gather (depending on the cultures they are from, I am speaking from the viewpoint of the culture I have been living in), they talk about sports, games, politics, anything else but be showing any signs of vulnerability or talk about their feelings. Their friendships focus heavily on having fun, being boisterous, and doing manly activities together. If they are heartbroken, they drink, they distract themselves with activities so they don’t have to deal with the emotions. Or maybe they don’t know how to because they have never learned to handle it.
The outliers
But of course, not all men are closed off to their emotions. There are some of them who are well-acquainted with their feelings and vulnerability. These men are driven to have platonic emotional intimacy with more women than men, because they are more likely to find that openness with women, than with their male counterparts / peers. They also probably find less judgement from women as well.
Which leads me to this other issue that I kept seeing online recently — that men are “not supposed” to have close friends of the opposite gender when they are in a relationship. There is a lot to unpack here, but what I want to focus on here is the argument I have seen against that idea — if a man is unable to maintain platonic relationships or emotional intimacy with any of his girl-friends, then isn’t that a sign that he is unable to see women as anything else but potential mates or people they want to sleep with?
Cue the “men are only friends with women they want to sleep with” perspective that perpetuates the never-ending discussions on whether platonic friendships are possible among men and women. That also leads to the discussion on whether “friendzones” are exclusive to men because some of them only want a friendship with a woman that can lead to more, so they lurk in the background as a friend, secretly lusting after the person in question; hoping that one day they will have a chance to do more? (This is a very sad and disturbing situation for women to be in, to be honest) And if given a chance, they will definitely do more without considering the consequences? And that is because they cannot form healthy platonic emotional intimacy with women and not have any other agenda. They cannot form unsexual bonds with women like they can with men or their bros. Whereas most women can see men as just friends and not lust after them, because we are capable of forming emotional connections with people in general — as we have developed over centuries.
Therefore, isn’t their incapability of being just friends with the opposite gender, a much bigger issue than guys who are able to have respectful platonic friendships with clear boundaries? It begs the questions for men who are incapable of platonic friendships — Does this tie back to how they were brought up and the values inculcated in them? Does this have to do with their misogynistic view of women in general — that women are objects to be owned or conquered by men, their bodies to be lusted over, and they are not meant to be friends or peers?
All that ties back to the same thing at the end of the day.
Many more underlying issues
Misogynistic mindsets are not only prevalent among men, but with women who were brought up in those type of households or culture too. Women also need to recalibrate how they see men and themselves. Only when all of us understand how toxic it is for the society as a whole, will we then began to break the cycle by educating our next generation of boys and girls on building healthy emotional intimacy with each other.
There are so many underlying issues when it comes to toxic masculinity and misogyny I think one post is not sufficient to cover everything so I am going to end here for now to collect my thoughts as well.
