The definition of a “chill girl” I have gathered from the comments:
- “low standard / expectations on the partner”
- “willingness to turn blind eye to things; even those that make them deeply uncomfortable”
- “never complains”
- “no boundaries and does not hold the partner accountable”
- “does not challenge”
And boys or men who specifically, and proudly, trumpet their “chill girl” or it being as their top criteria for a partner, benefit from all the above because they are free to do anything they want, with no consequences. They can gaslight or continue to hold on to the belief that “I am the way I am, take it or leave it”, bank on weaponised incompetence to get out of responsibilities at home or in the relationship, and never need to ever grow as a person.
This is not talking about a girl or woman who’s mature and chill, or in another words, calm and collected. Of course, there are girls or women who are chill in the other sense of the word — non-reactive, composed, calm during bad situations or heightened emotions while still having standards for their partners, and healthy expectations and boundaries.
The “chill girl” in question here, is not that. It’s the girls who make themselves “chill” in order to satisfy their partner’s expectations. Who, despite their discomfort and unhappiness, remain quiet and do not express their actual needs and expectations. The ones who, because of their desire to please, enable their partners’ undesirable behaviours and weaponised incompetence (i.e. “I’m a man, I am not aware of nuances, therefore I am absolved of all responsibilities when I overstep my boundaries or does not have basic sensitivity to the needs or feelings of others”)
Sometimes girls who have been through such toxicity can eventually realise it’s bad for themselves. But sometimes, they stay in the relationship and never realise what they have been doing to themselves and how they have been enabling their partners. Also, this is not saying all boys or men are like that. We are looking at boys or men who knowingly look out for such “weakness” and take advantage of it for their benefit. Additionally, I am also not saying we need to restrict, complain, breathe down or be unreasonably neurotic on our partners to make them accountable. Like my previous post on Relationship Anarchy, autonomy in a relationship is also crucial. It’s all about striking a healthy balance and reasonable level of respect for each other.
I saw a comment from a woman who left her boyfriend after she realised what was going on, and said to him, “You need a girl who cannot stand up for herself, so you can feel comfortable being neglectful to her needs.” That is the type of boys/men and situation we are talking about in this context.
For all the girls and women out there, single or attached or in any form of relationship, be aware. Take care of YOURSELF. Hold them accountable. GROW TOGETHER. If one or both parties do not grow while in a relationship (or friendship, etc), there will bound to come a time when it is no longer healthy and sustainable. Or the dissatisfaction and unhappiness will snowball till it is no longer fixable. OR you will no longer be aligned or even be in love with each other at the end of the day. The disrespect will grow, but their love for you might diminish (if there’s any in the first place).
Sucking it up and compromising on your values and expectations will never be the sustainable way to maintain a healthy relationship. I think this is a given and everyone can agree on this? Key word being: healthy.
Love is not enough for us to belittle or sacrifice our needs on a long-term basis. Being deeply dissatisfied, unhappy and having unmet needs will eventually kill off some, if not all, the love you have for someone.
Challenge each other (in a healthy way), evolve individually and together, and work on it as a team. That, is the best form of relationship we can all strive to achieve.
