When we have conversations with people, some or maybe most of us would probably bring up relatable experiences as a way of trying to express our understanding of the situation or story we have just heard. Perhaps as a way to connect with the sharer as well. Sometimes, we go into problem-solving mode and start dishing out all kinds of solutions that might help them with their situation. Then there is also a small group of people who are always tempted to “one up” everybody’s experience, as if it’s a competition. I think there is a clear line in relating and in “one upping”, because in the former they will bring the conversation back to the original sharer and ask more questions, whereas the latter will take over the conversation and only talk about their similar past experiences.
In any case, sometimes we might just need someone to listen and be present, and not think of a response. Their full presence is the comfort we seek. So when we hear responses, be it a solution, a relatable story expressing their understanding — we might get upset thinking that our experience has been dismissed / invalidated or our feelings are not being acknowledged. This might result in us clamming up instead, out of frustration or disappointment.
Over time, it can definitely cause disconnection between people if the same situation recurs regularly. Therefore, what we need to do, if we truly care for one another and want to have healthier communication, is to calibrate it.
What do I mean by calibrating the communication? Set the expectations to a common benchmark. There is a famous saying that’s been going around for years now — tell the other person if you are solution-oriented about it or in the feelings stage.
If you have communicated that before the start of the conversation, and they respect and care for you enough, they will make an effort to be in the mode that you prefer in that moment. If they insist on their way of communication, disregarding your preference and feelings, then there is obviously another deeper conversation to be had between both of you.
Sometimes we tend to take our loved ones / closer friends for granted that boundaries might get blurred over time. Setting clear expectations and/or actively seeking permissions in areas where we already have unspoken permission in, in order to have better understanding with each other is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. [Side note on seeking permission: sometimes it might be healthy to check in to ensure we are still on the same page, especially if the situation is something new for both parties]
Being open and honest in our needs, especially when we are in a vulnerable state of mind (e.g. needing to vent, wanting to share unpleasant encounters, etc), is so important. Nobody is a mind reader, not even our closest loved ones.
