Ever witnessed friends or people around you morph into completely different persons depending on who they are or were with? And on the other hand, you see that handful of couples who manage to remain as they are, while being in a strong partnership.
When I was younger, I used to be the former in the sense that I would completely immerse myself into their interests and activities, while abandoning mine. The sad thing is, they never asked about mine or took an interest in them. I hung out with them and their friends all the time, but they never hung out with mine.
As I grew older, and experienced more heartbreaks and life, I came to realise abandoning ourselves for a partner is the worst thing we can do for ourselves, our self image, and the relationship. A healthy relationship is never about morphing into “one” entity, but to be independent, separate individuals who form a partnership in spite of the differences. There may be some common interests, like travelling, games, shows, for example. But if there are interests of theirs that I am not keen to explore, it is perfectly fine as well. We can always have separate time exploring our own interests with our own friends, and in our own time.
However, in recent years, I also came to realise there are people who love to “Build-a-Partner” insidiously after they get into a relationship (or during the dating phase). Over time, their partner, the weaker-willed one or the one with lower self-esteem/image or the one who’s more invested, will just be fully immersed into their partner’s interests. Thinking back, I have had a few of such experiences myself, which I did not realise as it happened. A guy got me started on playing a game that I was originally interested in, but never got down to trying. I ended up enjoying it very much. Then he started asking about other games that he enjoyed more. So I got into them as well, just to try it out. I was not picking it up as fast and it was barely enjoyable for me. I kept asking if we could go back to the first game in which both of us can enjoy at the same time, but he did not want to so I ended up playing it by myself.
In the end, I went back to try the other game again just to spend time with him, and ended up crying on a few occasions because it was difficult to understand and he was not spending time explaining to me. He was just playing it at his own pace and on his own. Reflecting back on this, it was all just to mould me into the type of gamer girl he likes — to tick off the checklist of his ideal type. When I did not “meet his standards” he began to lose interest and couldn’t be bothered to keep up with being nice anymore.
There were also other instances where a guy would maybe tell me point blank that, “you should try to be more like this… you should try to dress up more like that… these are my favourite these and that (read: get into it)”. I am glad that as I got older, I really could not be bothered to bend backwards just to please someone — if I don’t enjoy it, I don’t enjoy it, and if it’s not me and my style, it’s never going to be. I can try to understand your interest, but I don’t have to get into it, you know? I understand trying each other’s interests can be a way to bond and spend time together, but shouldn’t that be mutual? And this is also not about partners helping each other to grow or improve. It’s about attempting to change a person to be the ideal person in their minds.
I like to read. I enjoy painting or drawing. I like certain genres of songs. I enjoy crafts. I’m more of an indoors person. I like certain shows too. What makes those guys’ interests or preferences better than mine? It seems as if a lot of them were interests snobs, you know what I mean? Their favourite music genres are always “better”, more “elite”. Their favourite hobbies are more enjoyable. Their shows are funnier, better, more artistic, more epic, more whatever. Therefore, if anyone has to morph and bend and fit into anyone’s mould of a “perfect” partner… it’s us. Those of us who meet / met such partners. Do they see their partners (us) as “lesser than”? I wonder.
Now, whenever I see couples who take part in different activities, have separate lives outside of their relationships, dress however they like as individuals (the same as they have from since they were single), and are still very much enjoying each other’s company when they are together — it gives me hope. Hope that one day I will meet someone who won’t even try to “Build-a-Partner” out of me. Who will love me for me, takes an interest in my type of hobbies or at the very least asks me about them, who will enjoy me as I am — however I choose to dress, whatever music I like listening to, whatever shows I enjoy, and all that that makes up me. And I will do the same for him as well. :)
I am not expecting someone to “settle” for me, not at all. If I am not their ideal type, please move on and find someone else. This is also another topic on its own altogether — about people settling because they don’t think they can get any better and just take whoever they can as long as they meet 60–70% of their checklist. There is no way for me to verify, but I had seen so many social media content on how most men will settle and marry someone who is not the love of their life, because they have either lost the one and they don’t think they can get anyone better anymore or it was just time to settle down and they are fine with whoever they are with (so they can start a family / have a baby soon, etc). Something about how they are practical enough and can compartmentalise their emotions to do that for the rest of their lives.
Recalling this video I watched in which a creator was responding to someone’s advice to date as many people as possible to find out what we want in a partner. He said people’s experiences and what works for them differ so greatly it’s not healthy to take advices online as is and use them on ourselves without considering our own needs and personality differences. He suggested instead of dating multiple people via dating apps, why not work on our platonic friendships to figure out what traits and qualities we like in people and use that to figure out what we want in our partners? Because our partners would need to be a great friend too, no? Any good romantic relationship is built on a strong foundation of friendship anyway. Therefore, us levelling up on our platonic friendships, understanding what makes a great friend for us at the current stage in our lives, what type of people we like, and all that would help us to identify a better partner for us in the end. Better than diving into different dates constantly, ticking off a checklist we have had since we were teenagers, and end up being sorely disappointed when those people are not who we want at the end of the day. I strongly believe in updating whatever list we have for a partner constantly as we mature and go through different stages of our lives. Also to consider if that person will grow in alignment with us as we get to the next stage of life together; for example, if you become parents can that person be a good parent and partner?
If we settle early on, at 60–70%, will that percentage drop as we get to the next stage or increase? Food for thought — Do you foresee the relationship to get stronger or weaker? Will you be tempted if you meet someone in the future who’s 80–90% of what you wanted? Will resentment grow over time? Will the person’s 60–70% diminish over time as he/she changes, for example, you like someone for being fun and enthusiastic, but as they get older that part of them mellows down into something more cautious and quiet. Will that affect your love for them or will you love them the same? Moulding someone into the “perfect person” is not sustainable as over time, they will eventually lose steam and let go of those things that are not them and not theirs. Then all you have is the few traits you “settled” for. Not that they are not good enough people, you know? They are more than likely perfect for someone else and not you. Someone who likes the person as they are and sees them as being perfect.
I guess it is not exactly “wrong” in whichever contexts I had covered above, as long as no one is hurt in the end. And we are all first-time humans trying our best to live the best life we can. It’s just, do we really need to settle to have companionship? This is something I, as a once-divorced person, is not convinced about. And lastly, in my opinion, if someone has to “Build-a-Partner” out of someone, then clearly he or she is already settling in their minds. Do you agree?
